***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
