i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
this hospital has no fireball
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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