just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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