If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
