Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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