Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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