so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
My cat gives me a boner
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
