nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
