Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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