Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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