so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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