I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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