Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
