she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
