i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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