I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
