Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
