Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
