You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
