I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
