Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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