All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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