I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
