yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
