I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
