see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
