im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm determined to sit on that face.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
