paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
