so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
