Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
