Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Rumble strips road head = magical
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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