Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
