I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
he fucked my hip out of place.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Randomize
