whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
