You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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