I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
