It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Found the puke drawer
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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