Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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