Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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