After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
