The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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