I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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