i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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