My liver just broke up with me...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
