My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
