I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
