Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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