dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
