my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize