Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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