My underwear smells like fireworks.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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