Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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