I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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