question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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