nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
This is the high leading the old right now
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
