I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm too high and old for this...
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
