fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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