We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
