Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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