Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
